Comedy Central's Indecision

Everything has turned on the president.

Fri, 17 May 2013 15:01:48 -0400

Everything has turned on the president.

At a House hearing on IRS probes of conservative groups, former...

Fri, 17 May 2013 13:01:14 -0400

At a House hearing on IRS probes of conservative groups, former acting IRS Commissioner Steve Miller and Treasury Inspector General J. Russell George learned what everyone else already knew.

This is Rob Ford. He is (somehow) the mayor of Toronto. His...

Fri, 17 May 2013 09:18:00 -0400

This is Rob Ford.

He is (somehow) the mayor of Toronto.

His pastimes include being kicked out of military balls for drunkenness, getting busted with weed while vacationing in Florida, and leading a very un-Canadian crusade against cyclists, poor people and politeness.

There is now a video of Ford — or someone who looks exactly like him — smoking crack cocaine, which 1) explains a lot about the mayor’s other behavior and 2) is way healthier than many Canadians’ poutine habit.

Photo by Andrew Francis Wallace/Toronto Star/Getty Images

Photo via Lynn Sweet

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:42:12 -0400

Photo via Lynn Sweet

"He cheated on you, well, he’s a man…Does he provide a home for you to live in?…Is..."

Thu, 16 May 2013 11:28:59 -0400

“He cheated on you, well, he’s a man…Does he provide a home for you to live in?…Is he handsome?…What you want to do is make a home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.”

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Pat Robertson, offering advice to a woman whose husband cheated on her.

Ah, the forgotten commandment: thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thou art handsome.

"The gentleman has cast aspersions on my asparagus."

Thu, 16 May 2013 09:31:00 -0400

“The gentleman has cast aspersions on my asparagus.”

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Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), regarding Attorney General Eric Holder.

Some possibilities:

1. Louie Gohmert’s nickname for his integrity is “asparagus.” As in, “I dare anyone to question my asparagus.”

2. Louie Gohmert suffers from a rare brain disease that makes him speak exclusively in alliteration.

3. Louie Gohmert keeps a bag of asparagus in his desk, and Eric Holder has complained about it, and the congressman decided to bring this up during a hearing.

Maybe all of the above.

This is Nico. He’s the grandson of Rep. Mel Watt (D-NC)....

Wed, 15 May 2013 16:30:00 -0400

This is Nico. He’s the grandson of Rep. Mel Watt (D-NC). He wasn’t allowed to question Attorney General Eric Holder at this afternoon’s House Judiciary Committee hearing.

But if he was, Nico would’ve had the guts to ask what Holder knew about Dora the Explorer’s Mystery of the Missing Shoes and when he knew it.

Photo via Jennifer Epstein

House Speaker/Old West posse leader John Boehner wants some IRS...

Wed, 15 May 2013 15:01:40 -0400

House Speaker/Old West posse leader John Boehner wants some IRS varmints thrown in jail for running CTRL+F “tea party” “patriot” on a list of tax-exempt applications.

Never mind that none of the groups had their tax-exempt status revoked! John Boehner is certain that “somebody violated the law.”

If there’s one thing Boehner holds sacred, it’s America’s laws. Now excuse him while he tries to repeal the health care law for the 37th time.

^{Photos by Alex Wong/Getty Images News and Doug Berry/E+/Getty Images}

Google found the one person who might look saner while wearing...

Wed, 15 May 2013 14:01:24 -0400

Google found the one person who might look saner while wearing Google Glass.

Photo via @LukeRussert

Photo

Wed, 15 May 2013 11:48:51 -0400

"I think I can say that I feel confident in that, but I, you know, I don’t have any."

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:38:00 -0400

“I think I can say that I feel confident in that, but I, you know, I don’t have any.”

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WH Press Secretary Jay Carney, after being asked “what gives you the confidence” that no administration officials were involved in the IRS scrutiny of conservative-y sounding groups.

Carney deserves an Oscar for his performance as Guy Who Pretends to “Appreciate Your Question.”

"If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. People..."

Tue, 14 May 2013 13:49:42 -0400

“If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. People love chocolate.”

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Joe Biden, in a letter to a 2nd-grader who suggested that guns should shoot out chocolate bullets.

Mr. Vice President. If guns worked liked that, the NRA would accuse you of trying to steal Americans’ chocolate, and your administration does not need any more scandals this week.

Now that Chris Christie has bestowed a royal fleece upon Harry,...

Tue, 14 May 2013 12:44:31 -0400

Now that Chris Christie has bestowed a royal fleece upon Harry, maybe the prince will FINALLY get some attention from the ladies.

Photo

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:29:37 -0400

According to Russian counter-intelligence, this is a translated...

Tue, 14 May 2013 09:51:00 -0400

According to Russian counter-intelligence, this is a translated letter used by the CIA to recruit informants.

Either the CIA has lost a step, or they’re trying to solve America’s budget problems by scamming potential spies with crappy chain letters.

Attention gay couples looking to get hitched: Minnesota will...

Mon, 13 May 2013 17:34:00 -0400

Attention gay couples looking to get hitched: Minnesota will marry you so good!

By a vote of 37 to 30, the state senate OK’d the marriage equality bill, and the governor promises to put his fabulous signature on it ASAP.

This makes Minnesota the 12th state to legalize same-sex marriage, bringing us closer to the day when the most controversial thing about gay weddings will be deciding who gets to design the cake.

Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Of all the ways to say “hiring employees,” Anthony...

Mon, 13 May 2013 17:13:00 -0400

Of all the ways to say “hiring employees,” Anthony Weiner probably likes this one best.

existentialcrisisfactory: Space Oddity (by Chris Hadfield) This...

Mon, 13 May 2013 11:14:39 -0400

existentialcrisisfactory:

Space Oddity (by Chris Hadfield)

This is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen.

Maybe austerity ain’t so bad if it means Canadian astronauts making music videos about being stuck in space.

In today’s episode of Newt Gingrich’s Big Ideas, our...

Mon, 13 May 2013 09:49:00 -0400

In today’s episode of Newt Gingrich’s Big Ideas, our favorite space visionary/white-haired hippopotamus shares these deep thoughts while holding up a smartphone:

1. What you simpletons “probably think is a cell phone” is not a cell phone.

2. “If it’s taking pictures, it’s not a cell phone.”

3. “If you can get Wikipedia or go to Google, that’s not a cell phone.”

4. We need a new name to describe this miraculous device that lets us listen to Newt Gingrich’s ideas on Youtube.

Next, Newt wants your help thinking up a name for the long stretch of metal and concrete that lets people drive over water.

"Think of this for one second, if it was Malia or Sasha or if it was Chelsea Clinton in Benghazi,..."

Fri, 10 May 2013 13:30:36 -0400

“Think of this for one second, if it was Malia or Sasha or if it was Chelsea Clinton in Benghazi, pinned down with mortars coming in…don’t you think we’d be asking different questions?”

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Fox News’ Eric Bolling asks the important questions, like how weird would it be if President Obama’s daughters were in charge of protecting the embassy in Benghazi.

Uh, we know exactly what the questions would be like:

MSNBC: “Why are children protecting our diplomatic compounds? Did Newt Gingrich become president and no one noticed?”

Fox News: “Why is the president spending taxpayer money to hang out with Muslims on vacation? Oh, it’s because sharia and socialism, impeach, impeach, impeach.”

CNN: “Who pooped on this poop cruise and when did they do it?”