Defense attorney Don West, during his opening statement, told a knock-knock joke that failed to win many laughs. “Knock knock. Who’s there? George Zimmerman. George Zimmerman who? Good, you’re on the jury,” he said.

-Actual statement made by George Zimmerman’s lawyer during today’s trial.

Thus began a landmark trial where the jury found the defense attorney guilty of first-degree joke-slaughter.

This comedy is about a group of amoral, irresponsible — funny, yes — but selfish, self-centered people who think that having masturbation contests is great entertainment.

E.W. Jackson, the GOP candidate for lieutenant governor of Virginia, on Seinfeld.

The first and last time this will be said: Virginia, please keep this man around just so we can hear him complain about the next season of Girls.

Beating former Italian stand-up Beppe Grillo and Winston Churchill, aka the W.C. Fields of Europe, President Obama was just named “World’s Funniest Politician" by the Guardian.
Expect Republicans to start grumbling about him winning this award prematurely, just like they did when he won the Nobel. When does POTUS even go to open mics?
Photo of Obama by Tim Mosenfelder/FilmMagic/Getty Images

Beating former Italian stand-up Beppe Grillo and Winston Churchill, aka the W.C. Fields of Europe, President Obama was just named “World’s Funniest Politician" by the Guardian.

Expect Republicans to start grumbling about him winning this award prematurely, just like they did when he won the Nobel. When does POTUS even go to open mics?

Photo of Obama by Tim Mosenfelder/FilmMagic/Getty Images

The best part about Conan O’Brien’s monologue at the WHCD is that Jay Leno didn’t show up at the last minute instead. Conan’s best lines:
On the GOP’s future: “The Republican Party has a new rising star, Marco Rubio, or as he’s known in the Republican Party, our black guy.”
On CNN: “CNN’s ratings are so low James Earl Jones’ voice comes up and says: ‘You’re watching CNN??’”
On old media: “The print media are here for two very good reasons: food and shelter.”
On the NRA: "Here’s a fun fact about tonight’s food— everything you ate was personally shot by Wayne LaPierre. Don’t worry, it was during a home invasion. The fish came in through the window. Incidentally, you may not know this, but Wayne LaPierre is merely the executive vice president of the NRA. Which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual president of the NRA? He’s not even at the top.”
Photo by Pete Marovich/Bloomberg/Getty Images

The best part about Conan O’Brien’s monologue at the WHCD is that Jay Leno didn’t show up at the last minute instead. Conan’s best lines:

On the GOP’s future: “The Republican Party has a new rising star, Marco Rubio, or as he’s known in the Republican Party, our black guy.”

On CNN: “CNN’s ratings are so low James Earl Jones’ voice comes up and says: ‘You’re watching CNN??’”

On old media: “The print media are here for two very good reasons: food and shelter.”

On the NRA"Here’s a fun fact about tonight’s food— everything you ate was personally shot by Wayne LaPierre. Don’t worry, it was during a home invasion. The fish came in through the window. Incidentally, you may not know this, but Wayne LaPierre is merely the executive vice president of the NRA. Which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual president of the NRA? He’s not even at the top.”

Photo by Pete Marovich/Bloomberg/Getty Images

Wow, Daniel Day-Lewis did a hell of a job playing Obama in Steven Spielberg’s Obama.

BTW, it’s Daniel Day-Lewis’s birthday today! Suggestion: wish random people on the street a happy birthday. There’s at least a chance one of those people is Daniel Day-Lewis in character.

Wednesday’s Links: JFHaaaaay!

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* Check out this dapper Jack.

Earth likes it with the lights off. 

* A short film that’s like Little Shop of Horrors, but the monster eats oil.

* Structured illumination microscopy…? OMG look at the pretty pictures!

North Dakota’s new abortion laws are like a time machine to the past.

* You think you know everything about U.S. presidents, but you have no idea.

* An Indian city decided to try what can best be described as a traffic scarecrow.

* In this economy, it’s hard to hold onto your money. Thank goodness we have Thing X to help.

5 Great Same-Sex Marriage Moments in Comedy

Patton Oswalt took on same-sex marriage long before the Supreme Court ever did.

Click through for same-sex marriage hilarity from Garfunkel & Oates, Eugene Mirman and more.

Read More

Monday’s Links: Getting to Know Bo

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* It doesn’t take much to deflate a politician.

* You don’t know diddly about Bo.

Drones boldly go where no man has gone before.

* Miss the bus? Just print out an Urbee and drive to work.

* Hey, kids! Want to learn how to decode international secrets?

* Beautiful story of a Vietnam vet who built a peace park at My Lai

Charlton Heston's cold dead hand comes back to life (thanks to Jim Carrey and FOD).

Happy (?) birthday, Mr. President

Mary: It’s George Washington’s birthday today

Mary: We should mark the occasion on Tumblr, if you have an idea you like, let me know

River: Well

River: he rode into battle once with a seriously bad case of hemmorhoids

River: and those are funny

River: done.

Tough Times Call for “Nathan for You,” So Here’s a Free Episode

In this economy (tm), who can afford to miss watching comedian Nathan Fielder give real businesses the real solutions they may or may not need? 

Not you, that’s for sure. Nathan for You premieres on Comedy Central on 2/28, 10:30pm ET. But in this economy (tm), who has time to wait for entertainment?

Not you, that’s for sure. Click here to watch the first episode—that’s right, the whole thing—right now.

You’re welcome, America!