Great timing, Capitol Hill Daily.

On the same day the Dow Jones climbed above 15,000, the small-time conservative publication sent a message to the Citizens United listserv, accusing Obama of destroying the stock market with his Sharia socialism.

But c’mon: You can’t manufacture an eye-rolly scandal without a catchy name. How about Stockyndra? Stockghazi? Fast and Portfolious? Be creative!

(h/t ThinkProgress)

President Obama wants to spend $100 million “mapping” the human brain. We did it for free.

* King Kim Jong-Un is a total Lannister.

* Axe Cop save the Queen.

* This Jesus is the most Jesusy of all Jesuses that ever Jesused.

* SIREN: Drudge Report got hacked on April Fools’ Day!

* The unwholesome effects of heterosexual marriage on children.

* And the effects of 1950s values on children don’t seem any better.

* This is like if Sofia Coppola decided to start making propaganda movies.

Like any good conservative event, CPAC 2013 kicked off with a WAR PANEL featuring Rep. Louie Gohmert, noted WAR ENTHUSIAST. To the highlights:

1. Louie Gohmert describes seeing a dude wearing glasses. Says the guy looked “somewhat liberal” thanks to the specs. That’s right, corrected vision isn’t for freedom-lovers! See things with your all-American beer belly, not with your eyes!
   
   
2. Gohmert condemns the United States for withdrawing from Vietnam, because we totally could have won that war: “Vietnam was winnable, but people in Washington decided we would not win it.” 
   
   
3. Speaking about the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan: “I know they’re Muslims, but they’re our friends.” Rebranding at work!

This has been Deep Thoughts With Louie Gohmert, CPAC 2013 edition.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images New/Getty Images