Artificially inseminated lesbian queen. Band name. Called it.
Greetings, Yahoo! overlords. We noticed that a lot of people in your non-Tumblr userbase have submitted questions about politics to something called “Yahoo! Answers.”
We can help.
A: Under the Clean Water Act, the anus of responsibility lies with the pooplluters. Next.
A: Answer dot com is the first place President Obama looks for policy advice.
A: The president will re-establish the caliphate as soon as he gets a single deputy undersecretary of literally anything confirmed in the Senate. Baby steps, sir.
A: A lot of the internet, yeah.
Also, a father talking to his 6 year old.
So if Congress ever reclassifies tacos al pastor from “delicious treat” to “terrorist organization,” we know which politician is responsible.
According to Iran’s state media, scientist Ali Razeghi has built an “Aryayek Time Traveling Machine” that predicts its users’ future with “98 percent” accuracy:
“My invention easily fits into the size of a personal computer case and can predict details of the next 5-8 years of the life of its users. It will not take you into the future, it will bring the future to you…The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.”
Time machines and fortune-telling devices? Guys, those are totally different fictional implements.
We should know. Our crystal ball predicts this story is 100% BS.
Photo by Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty Images
Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the North Koreans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Remember what North Korea did to the U.S. at Pearl Harbor?
No? Neither do I. I knew I should have paid more attention in History class. Luckily, the internet is full of of really smart people who will clue us dummies in on what happened in the past…
Forget winning the day. The National Republican Congressional Committee has a plan to win the internet.
Yes, the folks who once thought “viral content” was something to be spread by closing public health clinics have just revamped their website by ripping off BuzzFeed. You got your listicles, your animals, your nostalgia for the ’90s—mostly the 1890s, but still.
There’s also room for improvement. Take these recent (actual) NRCC headlines:
Better post: Grumpy Cat is unimpressed with Barack Obama playing basketball
Better post: 11 Animals Who LOVE Oil Spills
* Your Daily Gun by Mark Fiore.
* The world may laugh at America, but now America’s laughing at the world… competitively.
* Some people are just made of money.
* Want to colonize space? First, take all the drugs. Next, get a rocket…
* Thank you, science, for making a creepy robot man of our nightmares (this is not a Mitt Romney joke, we swear).
Haha, APRIL FOOLS. Of course the angersphere went nuts, with outrage neatly divided between people who thought Google was honoring Hugo Chavez and people who thought celebrating a Christian activist who advocated for the poor was a WAR ON EASTER.
Case in point, Michelle Malkin’s Twitchy, which showed that once you start confusing President Obama with Stalin, it’s hard to keep anything else straight: “Correction, 7:12 am ET: Of course, it’s Cesar Chavez, not Hugo. Headline has been fixed!”
But the anger still rises!
Willard Mitt Romney offered some thoughts on his grandchildren’s names while speaking with Dennis Miller. It’s worth unpacking this gem:
“A few months ago we had twins come in (1), and you can’t believe what they’re named: Winston and Eleanor (2). [Laughs.] (3) I mean, it’s going back to the glorious days of the thirties and forties (4), I guess. But these are just darling little infants, and to have such big names on them is really something, although they call them Ellie and Win … When I heard Winston and Eleanor, I thought, It sounds like two English bulldogs (5), but they’re adorable children.”
1. Like from a catalog? Were they having a two-for-one special?
2. Say it with me: “Willard. Mitt. Romney.” You don’t get to poke fun at anyone else’s name, Willard, Father of Tagg.
3. “An old-timey name. Ha ha ha, marvelous!”
4. Some terms you might have used to describe two decades of war and depression besides “glorious”: traumatic, agonizing, brutal.
5. Okay, this is true and adorable. You win this round, Willard.
Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images