Comedy Central's Indecision

When we have a queen who is a lesbian and she marries another lady and then decides she would like to have a child and someone donates sperm and she gives birth to a child, is that child heir to the throne?

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—	Former Conservative Party chairman/disgruntled old person Norman Tebbit, speaking in opposition to the British marriage equality bill. Artificially inseminated lesbian queen. Band name. Called it.

Yahoo! has questions. We have answers.

Greetings, Yahoo! overlords. We noticed that a lot of people in your non-Tumblr userbase have submitted questions about politics to something called “Yahoo! Answers.”

We can help.

A: Under the Clean Water Act, the anus of responsibility lies with the pooplluters. Next.

A: Answer dot com is the first place President Obama looks for policy advice.

A: The president will re-establish the caliphate as soon as he gets a single deputy undersecretary of literally anything confirmed in the Senate. Baby steps, sir.

A: A lot of the internet, yeah.

Your mother showed me some of your landscapes and animal paintings — they were great!

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—	Bill Clinton to George W. Bush at the Bush Library dedication. Also, a father talking to his 6 year old.

We know that people that are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanic [sic] when they are radical Islamists. We know these things are happening. It is just insane not to protect ourselves, to make sure that people come in as most people do … They want the freedoms we have.

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—	Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), explaining why we can’t have nice things like immigration reform. So if Congress ever reclassifies tacos al pastor from “delicious treat” to “terrorist organization,” we know which politician is responsible.

According to Iran’s state media, scientist Ali Razeghi has built an “Aryayek Time Traveling Machine” that predicts its users’ future with “98 percent” accuracy:

“My invention easily fits into the size of a personal computer case and can predict details of the next 5-8 years of the life of its users. It will not take you into the future, it will bring the future to you…The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.”

Time machines and fortune-telling devices? Guys, those are totally different fictional implements.

We should know. Our crystal ball predicts this story is 100% BS.

Photo by Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty Images

Those who do not know history are destined to be dumb on the internet

Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the North Koreans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

publicshaming:

Remember what North Korea did to the U.S. at Pearl Harbor?

No? Neither do I. I knew I should have paid more attention in History class. Luckily, the internet is full of of really smart people who will clue us dummies in on what happened in the past…

Friday’s Links: Bloomberg Draws His Guns

* Your Daily Gun by Mark Fiore.

* The world may laugh at America, but now America’s laughing at the world… competitively.

* Some people are just made of money.

* Want to colonize space? First, take all the drugs. Next, get a rocket…

* Thank you, science, for making a creepy robot man of our nightmares (this is not a Mitt Romney joke, we swear).

Miracle of miracles, on Sunday, Google honored Cesar Chavez with a doodle and nobody freaked out about it.

Haha, APRIL FOOLS. Of course the angersphere went nuts, with outrage neatly divided between people who thought Google was honoring Hugo Chavez and people who thought celebrating a Christian activist who advocated for the poor was a WAR ON EASTER.

Case in point, Michelle Malkin’s Twitchy, which showed that once you start confusing President Obama with Stalin, it’s hard to keep anything else straight: “Correction, 7:12 am ET: Of course, it’s Cesar Chavez, not Hugo. Headline has been fixed!”

But the anger still rises!

Willard Mitt Romney offered some thoughts on his grandchildren’s names while speaking with Dennis Miller. It’s worth unpacking this gem:

“A few months ago we had twins come in (1), and you can’t believe what they’re named: Winston and Eleanor (2). [Laughs.] (3) I mean, it’s going back to the glorious days of the thirties and forties (4), I guess. But these are just darling little infants, and to have such big names on them is really something, although they call them Ellie and Win … When I heard Winston and Eleanor, I thought, It sounds like two English bulldogs (5), but they’re adorable children.”

1. Like from a catalog? Were they having a two-for-one special?

2. Say it with me: “Willard. Mitt. Romney.” You don’t get to poke fun at anyone else’s name, Willard, Father of Tagg.

3. “An old-timey name. Ha ha ha, marvelous!”

4. Some terms you might have used to describe two decades of war and depression besides “glorious”: traumatic, agonizing, brutal.

5. Okay, this is true and adorable. You win this round, Willard.

Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images