Last January House Speaker John Boehner was facing a serious challenge from rebellious House Republicans… until God intervened to save Boehner’s job:

The cabal quickly fell apart when several Republicans, after a night of prayer, said God told them to spare the speaker…[Rep. Steve] Southerland said he read the Old Testament the night before the vote. He read the story of Saul and David, as the king of Israel tried to kill the future king. David wins and, with a chance to kill the king, decides to spare Saul.
Southerland woke up convinced that Boehner should be spared. Others, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said they, too, prayed before siding with Boehner.

Well, sure. If a burning bush is considered a sign from God, then a walking, talking, chain-smoking orange has to mean something.
Photo by Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Last January House Speaker John Boehner was facing a serious challenge from rebellious House Republicans… until God intervened to save Boehner’s job:

The cabal quickly fell apart when several Republicans, after a night of prayer, said God told them to spare the speaker…[Rep. Steve] Southerland said he read the Old Testament the night before the vote. He read the story of Saul and David, as the king of Israel tried to kill the future king. David wins and, with a chance to kill the king, decides to spare Saul.

Southerland woke up convinced that Boehner should be spared. Others, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said they, too, prayed before siding with Boehner.

Well, sure. If a burning bush is considered a sign from God, then a walking, talking, chain-smoking orange has to mean something.

Photo by Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Still mad about President Obama’s re-election? For only $15.35, you can buy your way into an alternate sci-fi universe where Spock has a beard Mitt Romney is president.
Read all about it in “Romney Readiness Project: Retrospective & Lessons Learned,” a 139-page report in which Willard’s transition team describes their plans for the Romney Administration. Spoiler alert: the Romney Administration would be a lot like listening to a management consultant give a PowerPoint presentation on brand synergy in a hot and crowded conference room. For four to eight years.
Highlights of the report include the statement “the White House staff is similar to a holding company,” the promise of “flow charts” for all departments to achieve “unity,” and plans for corporate management-consulting seminars.
Nothing on handshakefulness, though. Maybe that’s where the campaign went wrong. 
Photo by Jewel Samad/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Still mad about President Obama’s re-election? For only $15.35, you can buy your way into an alternate sci-fi universe where Spock has a beard Mitt Romney is president.

Read all about it in “Romney Readiness Project: Retrospective & Lessons Learned,” a 139-page report in which Willard’s transition team describes their plans for the Romney Administration. Spoiler alert: the Romney Administration would be a lot like listening to a management consultant give a PowerPoint presentation on brand synergy in a hot and crowded conference room. For four to eight years.

Highlights of the report include the statement “the White House staff is similar to a holding company,” the promise of “flow charts” for all departments to achieve “unity,” and plans for corporate management-consulting seminars.

Nothing on handshakefulness, though. Maybe that’s where the campaign went wrong. 

Photo by Jewel Samad/Getty Images News/Getty Images

There’s a storm in the salmon-colored world of preppy menswear blogging.

It centers on WASP 101, a now-deleted blog that covered important topics like ugly pants and ugly suits, and that pissed off a bunch of people who care about these things.

Now the intrepid journalists at Ivy Style have dropped a bombshell: There’s good evidence that the man behind WASP 101 was Bryan Holloway, a Republican member of the North Carolina House of Representatives.

There’s also good evidence (see above) that Republicans don’t need fashion advice from some elitist preppy jerk, thank you very much.

Photos by Chip Somodevilla, Win McNamee, Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images and Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images

Mitt Romney appeared like a kid who showed up for his science project and the teacher said, ‘Explain it,’ and Mitt couldn’t do it. His ‘dad,’ Paul Ryan, explained it to him, but Mitt didn’t get it… That’s why we lost the last election.

- Rep. Pete Sessions (R-TX), on why Mitt Romney lost the election.

No, Mitt Romney lost because he was the kid who insisted that 47% of the science fair geeks had their model volcanoes made by the government.

Actual Yahoo! headline: Republicans Bring in Media Specialists to Teach Them How to Speak to Women and Minorities
Every dude in middle school: “You mean there’s a class??”
Photo of Herman Cain, who is not the man to teach this course, by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Actual Yahoo! headline: Republicans Bring in Media Specialists to Teach Them How to Speak to Women and Minorities

Every dude in middle school: “You mean there’s a class??”

Photo of Herman Cain, who is not the man to teach this course, by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tweet Roundup: Jay-Z’s “Open Letter”

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The GOP’s BuzzFeed-y website is OK, could be moar better

Forget winning the day. The National Republican Congressional Committee has a plan to win the internet. 

Yes, the folks who once thought “viral content” was something to be spread by closing public health clinics have just revamped their website by ripping off BuzzFeed. You got your listicles, your animals, your nostalgia for the ’90s—mostly the 1890s, but still.

There’s also room for improvement. Take these recent (actual) NRCC headlines:

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Better post: Grumpy Cat is unimpressed with Barack Obama playing basketball  

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Better post: 11 Animals Who LOVE Oil Spills

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This morning, the Republican Party released its autopsy of the 2012 campaign cycle (cause of death: old age, severe melanin deficiency, saying dumb things in debates).
Among the proposed solutions in the Growth & Opportunity Project report:

The number of debates should be reduced by roughly half to a still robust number of approximately 10 to 12, with the first occurring no earlier than September 1, 2015,and the last ending just after the first several primaries (February – March 2016).

So the key to victory is to keep the old message, but say it very very quietly.
Photo by Compassionate Eye Foundation/David Oxberry/OJO Images Ltd/Digital Vision/Getty Images

This morning, the Republican Party released its autopsy of the 2012 campaign cycle (cause of death: old age, severe melanin deficiency, saying dumb things in debates).

Among the proposed solutions in the Growth & Opportunity Project report:

The number of debates should be reduced by roughly half to a still robust number of approximately 10 to 12, with the first occurring no earlier than September 1, 2015,and the last ending just after the first several primaries (February – March 2016).

So the key to victory is to keep the old message, but say it very very quietly.

Photo by Compassionate Eye Foundation/David Oxberry/OJO Images Ltd/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Deep (Crazy) Thoughts With Louie Gohmert (R-TX)

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Like any good conservative event, CPAC 2013 kicked off with a WAR PANEL featuring Rep. Louie Gohmert, noted WAR ENTHUSIAST. To the highlights:

  1. Louie Gohmert describes seeing a dude wearing glasses. Says the guy looked “somewhat liberal” thanks to the specs. That’s right, corrected vision isn’t for freedom-lovers! See things with your all-American beer belly, not with your eyes!

  2. Gohmert condemns the United States for withdrawing from Vietnam, because we totally could have won that war: “Vietnam was winnable, but people in Washington decided we would not win it.” 

  3. Speaking about the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan: "I know they’re Muslims, but they’re our friends." Rebranding at work!

This has been Deep Thoughts With Louie Gohmert, CPAC 2013 edition.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images New/Getty Images