No, Mitt Romney lost because he was the kid who insisted that 47% of the science fair geeks had their model volcanoes made by the government.
Actual Yahoo! headline: Republicans Bring in Media Specialists to Teach Them How to Speak to Women and Minorities
Every dude in middle school: “You mean there’s a class??”
Photo of Herman Cain, who is not the man to teach this course, by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Recommended Fox Nation headline: Jay-Z’s Hip-Hop Cuba Trip Didn’t Create Jobs— Elise Foley (@elisefoley)
“Accidental Tourist” by Jay-Z— Brandon Stosuy (@brandonstosuy)
Jay-Z’s “Open Letter” makes some good points:(1) I’m rich.(2) Don’t criticize me.(3) I’m really, really rich.— JRehling (@JRehling)
Forget winning the day. The National Republican Congressional Committee has a plan to win the internet.
Yes, the folks who once thought “viral content” was something to be spread by closing public health clinics have just revamped their website by ripping off BuzzFeed. You got your listicles, your animals, your nostalgia for the ’90s—mostly the 1890s, but still.
There’s also room for improvement. Take these recent (actual) NRCC headlines:
Better post: Grumpy Cat is unimpressed with Barack Obama playing basketball
Better post: 11 Animals Who LOVE Oil Spills
This morning, the Republican Party released its autopsy of the 2012 campaign cycle (cause of death: old age, severe melanin deficiency, saying dumb things in debates).
Among the proposed solutions in the Growth & Opportunity Project report:
The number of debates should be reduced by roughly half to a still robust number of approximately 10 to 12, with the first occurring no earlier than September 1, 2015,and the last ending just after the first several primaries (February – March 2016).
So the key to victory is to keep the old message, but say it very very quietly.
Photo by Compassionate Eye Foundation/David Oxberry/OJO Images Ltd/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Like any good conservative event, CPAC 2013 kicked off with a WAR PANEL featuring Rep. Louie Gohmert, noted WAR ENTHUSIAST. To the highlights:
- Louie Gohmert describes seeing a dude wearing glasses. Says the guy looked “somewhat liberal” thanks to the specs. That’s right, corrected vision isn’t for freedom-lovers! See things with your all-American beer belly, not with your eyes!
- Gohmert condemns the United States for withdrawing from Vietnam, because we totally could have won that war: “Vietnam was winnable, but people in Washington decided we would not win it.”
- Speaking about the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan: “I know they’re Muslims, but they’re our friends.” Rebranding at work!
This has been Deep Thoughts With Louie Gohmert, CPAC 2013 edition.
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images New/Getty Images
The first rule of Rep. Peter King (R-NY) Fight Club is that you never stop talking about Peter King Fight Club. “Boxing is good self-defense,” said King after his bout with former New York kickboxing champion Josh Foley. “Being in the public light, you never know when you might need it.”
The second rule of Peter King Fight Club is that you commit a minor ethics violation when you join Peter King Fight Club. (The watchdog organization CREW criticized King for favoring one local business over others when participating in charity boxing events.)
The third rule of Peter King Fight Club: once you see Peter King in boxing shorts, you can never unsee it.
Pondering a 2016 presidential run.
Indecision: How does it feel to be the most famous bottle of water in America?
Marco Rubio’s bottle of water: Es toda una sorpresa. It’s quite a surprise.
Indecision: And you are, specifically, a bottle of Poland Spring water. So you’re from Maine?
MRBOW: Sí, sí. When I left, my mother—she lives in an office in Boston now—she said, “Son, I believe you will go far. Farther than the average bottle of water.”
Indecision: When did you meet Senator Rubio?
MRBOW: Yesterday. A friend of mine was with him during the rehearsal, and then I was brought in for the main event. Honestly, I’m not sure why they chose me. I did mention to one of his assistants that I support the senator’s immigration reform proposals.
Indecision: What do you think of the recent TIME Magazine cover that called Senator Rubio the GOP’s “savior”?
MRBOW: It’s not my place to judge that. I will say that he is a principled man who is committed to hydration.
Indecision: If you don’t mind a personal question, what do Marco Rubio’s lips feel like?
MRBOW: Like orchid petals dipped in honey.
Indecision: Last night Senator Rubio had some strong criticisms of President Obama. Do you share his concerns?
MRBOW: I do, and I would add one more: As we saw during the State of the Union address, the president drinks from a glass, if he drinks at all.
Marco Rubio SOTU response bingo.
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